this is a joke thread

[Typhon]

^^^^^^
^^^^^^
   Of course if I was to speak like this toilet-mouth, then I'd get warning violations.

[Charger]

Okay ZZZ...you went bit off the deep end there again...time to dial it down a bit.

[Zzzptm]

Okay ZZZ...you went bit off the deep end there again...time to dial it down a bit.

Message received. I'd be happy to spend a day in jail for that rant.

[Vyn]

That was a +1 rant. In a joke thread!

[Zzzptm]

I also do weddings, bar mitzvahs, and funerals. Be sure to tip your bartender, he's a great guy, trying to put 2 kids through college and 3 ex-wives through new boyfriends, be generous.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the great Buddy Hackett!

[Typhon]

[Zzzptm]

[Charger]

^^^
She should also do the hand gesture...would make it funnier!

[Zzzptm]

^^^
She should also do the hand gesture...would make it funnier!

Couldn't find one like that exactly, but I found this one:

[Typhon]

[Zzzptm]

[KiloDeltaCharlie]

20 TOP ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience .... And most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Zzzptm]

Guy walks into the lottery office to claim a prize. He just won the jackpot, millions this guy's won.

Lottery official says, "Well, congratulations! You won the big jackpot! Do you want a lump sum or payout over time?"

"Which gets the money to me the fastest?"

"Neither, the check for either method would go out in 90 days from now. We have to do processing and-"

"I'm not interested in all that. I need the money now! Why can't I get the money NOW?"

"Well, sorry, sir, it's policy and-"

"Hey, I won it! It's MY money! I want to have it now!"

"Well, that's just not possible."

"But you don't understand! I got bills to pay! I got debts to clear! What am I supposed to do without that lottery money?"

"What are you supposed to do? Let me ask, did you have a plan on how to deal with those things in case you didn't win the lottery?"

"Yeah."

"Well, go with *that* plan!"

[Tyr66]

good one !

[Tyr66]

... and I cant' resist , my favourite again !