this is a joke thread

[Vyn]

WIFE: My gynecologist says that I cannot have sex for two weeks.

HUSBAND: What did your dentist say?

[Zzzptm]

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”

The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”

[Charger]

I only got my one science joke but I still like it:

Why can't you trust Atoms?

They make up everything.

[Typhon]

^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? 

[Charger]

^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? 

Didn't know english quite that well yet...maybe 6th or 7th grade.

[Typhon]

^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? 

Didn't know english quite that well yet...maybe 6th or 7th grade.

You still could have known it in Finnish. 

[Charger]

^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? 

Didn't know english quite that well yet...maybe 6th or 7th grade.

You still could have known it in Finnish. 

Yeah but it doesn't really translate that well...

[Typhon]

Love Ricky Gervais, because he tells it like it is and just doesn't give a damn.  My kind of guy.

[Vyn]

I like Ricky Gervais, and his monologue was pretty funny. Reminds me of Don Rickles.

[Jack the Stripper]

I like Gervais as well but he was probably a little more restrained hosting the golden globes this year compared to past years.

Just on the globes, can’t believe Brad Pitt won for best supporting actor. He was good  in his role but there was nothing extra ordinary about it or that a lot of other actors couldn’t have nailed with ease. I think people tend to get caught up in the enjoyment of the character rather than the performance. Plus, we all know how these Hollywood awards work.

[Zzzptm]

The front fell off...

[KiloDeltaCharlie]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Zzzptm]

One day this guy finds a penguin aimlessly roaming around his neighborhood but isn’t sure what to do with it. So he asks a local cop for help. The cop says, “Oh just take him to the zoo.” The next day the cop sees the guy and the penguin strolling through the neighborhood hand in flipper. The guy’s got sunscreen on and a bunch of swim noodles under his arm and the penguin’s wearing floaties and a little pair of googles on his head. The cop stops the guy and says, “Hey I thought you were taking him to the zoo?” The man replies with, “Yeah! And we had so much fun that today we’re going to the waterpark!”

[Typhon]

Hey, the new Democratic ticket bumper sticker is out.   

[Vyn]

Was trying to find one I saw yesterday, but can't seem to make it happen. It says Biden with the stylized "E" and under it is Harris with a stylized "A" that is two legs spread out wearing heels and some panties halfway down to resemble an A.

Well crap, still can't find it. But in the interest of equal joke time: