Storytime?

[Charger]

I just went through some of my old files and found two short stories I wrote some years ago...Both for Halloween. One actually dates back all the way to my high school years although I re worked that years later...

Anyways I was thinking about posting them here if you guys want to read some sci-fi horror...if you don't I won't and no problem.

I haven't been writing in years and I was thinking about starting up again...but I don't know...I could use some feedback I suppose..

[Vyn]

Post 'em!

[Typhon]

Fine with me.

[Thelemech]

  sounds like fun - I love Sci-Fi and my second favorite is Horror.

[Typhon]

Fine with me.

On second thought, I'm too scared to read Chargers' stories. 

[Zzzptm]

Post away - let us know if you need any critique on them.

[Charger]

Post away - let us know if you need any critique on them.

Well I already know they are absolutely rubbish so....

But yeah criticism is always desired. How can I keep telling myself that I suck if people don't say that?


I might post something later today or tomorrow....

[Charger]

Well here it is...
The events take place in 2012 which was year into the future when I wrote this and ofcourse 2012 was supposed to see the world end...but as we all know now it sadly didn't...

Oh and forgive the occational typo's here and there...I did proof read this back in the day but not very well as I am not a huge fan of re-reading my own work...

NIGHT SHIFT

New York City October 31st 2012 7.53pm.
Halloween night, my least favorite night to be on the job. The streets are filled with all kinds of weirdos in their Halloween costumes and drunken baboons. This is the most active night of the year for all patrols and detectives alike. Muggings, fights, murders and rapes...all of those I knew to expect, but what I didn’t, was what actually was about to happen.
The roll call at the 19th precinct was underway when I stumbled in “Welcome detective Charger, nice of you join us” Lt Davis commented, I ignored the obvious sarcasm in his voice. Davis urged everyone to be extra careful and vigilant tonight, just like he did on every Halloween, or every single roll call to be exact, but he was being bit more serious now. He gave out the most recent cases and I got a homicide on the Eastern 63rd Street because there was something strange about it, “This is right up your alley!” Davis said handing me the file...I assumed he was talking about some creep dressed in a Halloween costume from Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

8.31pm.
Once I arrived to the crime scene and stepped out of my car, I noticed it started to rain...”Oh crap...naturally...” I sighed and started walking towards to the crime scene deeper into the alley. To much of my surprise I saw the body of a young man, and he wasn’t wearing a Halloween costume at all, so naturally I started wandering what the Lt had meant. Medical Examiner Cindy Lawson had done a preliminary examination of the scene and said “Hi, this is something I bet you’ve never seen before!” I stepped closer and noticed a huge gap in the man’s abdominal area “What he hell?” “Most of this man’s guts have been removed...” Lawson said and continued “and there are some fingernail marks and fingerprints on the body, it’s like this would have been done with bare hands!” I had hard time understanding what I was hearing, let alone believing it.
 
The rain started to pick up and I saw how Cindy was begging me with her eyes to let her take her body and get to some place warmer and less wet, so I gave her that permission. I told some of the officers to start the canvas to see if somebody had seen or heard something, I decided to take a look at the alley, since I was soaked already anyways. Suddenly I heard a bang coming from deeper in the alley, I thought I’d go and see, even though I knew the murderer couldn’t possibly be stupid enough to stay here and just wait for the cops to arrive. The bangs and crashes started to get louder and more frequent so I took out a flash light and my trusty Glock 19. 

Then I saw a figure going through the dumpster about 50 feet from me. “Hey! Buddy! What are you doing there?” the figure, I thought of being some homeless guy, slowly turned around and started walking towards me. I shined my light at his face and saw it surely wasn’t a homeless guy, his face was all covered in some red substance and it looked like half of it was missing. “Wow, okay, very cool Halloween costume, buddy, but now get those hand up!” I said. I seemed like my command had no effect, he just kept trudging towards me, I noticed he had something in his hand, something long and it was dragging on the ground. “Holy fuck!” I screamed. The guy was carrying a human stomach with guts still hanging on it.  I didn’t really know what to think, so I just yelled “Put those hands up and stop right there!” This too had no effect, I had already allowed the fellow to get way closer that I would have liked, but I didn’t want to take the risk that this was just some sort of a prank. But now that the man was close enough I saw, it was no prank, half of his face indeed was missing and his jaw was out of place and some flesh was hanging from his teeth. Either that was the world’s greatest Halloween costume ever, or I was face to face with an actual Zombie...

8.51pm.
For a moment a thought of me being caught in a Romero movie came about but it vanished pretty fast since the growling and coughing living dead was actually walking right in front of me. I shot it twice in the chest, but it had absolutely no effect, he just kept on trudging towards me. Then again I remembered those old zombie movies so I took aim at the head and pulled the trigger, I saw how pieces of scull and brain matter scattered around the alley and the zombie fell down right in front of me. Now I knew this Halloween was going to be something totally different.

Before I could even gather all my thoughts, my radio started filling with 10-108 calls, “Officer needs assistance!” and 10-13 “Officer down!” I turned around in order to run to my car, but instead I rammed straight into a beast of a guy, whose nose fell down to a puddle of water from the force of the impact. “Oh crap!” I yelled as I fell to the ground. I saw heard how my gun slipped from my hand and quickly I looked and it had flew just out of my reach as the man too a hold of my leg. I rose on my hands and kicked like mule and felt how my right foot sunk into the zombie’s face and it did let me go, quickly I grabbed my gun and put two right between its eyes. I started running towards my car thinking, “what the hell was going on...”

As I got out to the street, I saw something flash by in the corner of my eye followed by an eerie splash sound, looked and saw a body turned to a mush on the side walk. I looked up and saw two others falling down one right above me. I fell down to my backside and the body smashed on the ground head between my legs. The head was still moving around like trying to bite my leg, I started to move backwards still on the ground like an awkward backwards crab, at the same time reaching for my gun. After a time that felt like forever I had my trusty Glock in hand again and shot the brains out of the zombie pancake. What ever was happening here it was happening fast, since I had just gotten here less than 20 minutes ago and everything was seemingly okay and now people are falling down from buildings. I got into my car just to listen to the police radio which was filled with distress calls and reports of people turned into cannibalistic nut jobs.

9.15pm.
I started driving back to the precinct, but didn’t get too far since a body fell to the hood of my car, I tried to keep the car going to the right way, but the windshield cracked too and there was no way of seeing which way the street was and so I hit the brakes but bit too late. The car went crashing through the window of a small electronics store. I stumbled out of the car to check out the damage and saw a body back of the store, rushed to it, but it was clearly been dead for a while, blood was starting to clot already. There was a TV on still in the show room with a special news bulletin. “Special report. In cities across the country strange violent outbursts have been occurring. People killing each other with bare hands and reportedly eating their victims. No apparent reason for these actions has been found. This just in, similar reports have been coming in from at least London, Berlin and Helsinki. People are urged to stay in their homes and avoiding contact with the deranged individuals. More news coming as soon as we get more information. In the meantime Happy Halloween!”

“Yeah right...” I answered to the TV and shut it down, then saw from the reflection on the screen a man wobbling behind me, turned around and it was the body I had seen earlier in the back of the store, he grabbed me and tried to have a bite of my forearm, which didn’t feel too appealing to me, so I kicked him to the knee and he did fell down, I yanked my arm out of his grip and kicked him in the back, but that had very little effect so in effort of saving bullets I grabbed an AC unit and smashed it into his head, that stopped him.
I went through my car, since there was supposed to be a shotgun in the trunk, but instead there was a rubber skeleton with a note “ha ha happy Halloween!” signed: Barry. “Barry you rotten son of a bitch! This was a perfect time for your practical Halloween jokes, dumbass!” I screamed, then my phone started ringing, it was Cindy Lawson “Cindy?” “What the fuck is going on around here!” she screamed to the phone “I have no idea! But it looks like the city is getting overrun by the living dead! Or something!” “I crashed the coroner’s van few blocks from the crime scene, and can’t get through the radio anymore! Where are you?” “I crashed too, somewhere near 2nd Avenue” I answered “Then you’re less than a block away from me, I’m at the 59th Street bridge and could use some help...what the...” then a short moment of silence “Holy shit the body! The body!” Cindy yelled then the phone call was cut off “Cindy!? Cindy!?” No response I looked down at my phone and it said “no service” “Fuckin’ great!” I took my badge and hung it around my neck and grabbed my back up piece from the glove compartment and started heading out to the 59th Street bridge.

Once I got outside there were people in Halloween costumes running around screaming and breaking windows of liquor stores, which to me seemed little strange considering the situation at hand, but I really didn’t have the time to worry about that, I had to get to Cindy before it’s too late. Ahead there were some cars that had just crashed into each other and they were on fire, there was luckily no one inside them anymore, but there also was no sign of the fire department and it looked like they might blow up, so I ran past them as fast as I could, but just as I had past them, they did blow and the impact of the explosion sent me flying across the air for few feet landing on my side on the side walk, despite feeling how my ribs gave in, I quickly stood up and started running again.
Finally got my eye on the Coroner’s van that had crashed into another car and ended up on the side of the street. The van’s backdoors were open, which was bit odd, so I pulled my gun and went to the back of the van, looked in, there was nobody there, no Cindy and most worryingly no body.

-To Be Continued-

End of Part 1



Okay that's part one...

I thought it be best to split this so you can call quits now if you don't want to me to post any more...also it makes an easier read this way.

Let me know what you think and should I post more parts...although the answer to that I think is pretty clear which is why I didn't want to bother you lot with the whole thing at once.

[Vyn]

Just had a quick read, about to hit they hay. Keep on posting them! I'll have more to say over the weekend, but I think this part is awesome-sauce:

I fell down to my backside and the body smashed on the ground head between my legs. The head was still moving around like trying to bit my leg, I started to move backwards still on the ground like an awkward backwards crab, at the same time reaching for my gun. After a time that felt like forever I had my trusty Glock in hand again and shot the brains out of the zombie pancake.

[Charger]

Oh and look...you just spotted a typo too...

[Vyn]

Oh and look...you just spotted a typo too...

For the record, I am not a publishing editor, a professional writer, or an English major.

With that out of the way, here's my truth regarding the first part of your story:

1. Shades of Ernest Hemingway. Your sentences are almost terse, but they still painted a picture in my mind.

2. Typos mean jack shit. Unless your job is to find them. That's why there are people who are proofreaders, copy editors, etc.

3. The idea behind the events (zombies running amok) is obviously nothing new. But neither is a story about love.

4. Zzz would be a good person to get feedback from. He has written a lot of short-story type stuff.

Well written? I would say competent high-school level. Groundbreaking insights? LOL nope. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a call from the Nebula Award committee.

Did it suck? Nope.

Your story kept me engaged enough that I want to read the rest. That seems of fundamental importance and you have that.

[Charger]

Thanks a bunch for you input Vyn!

I agree with pretty much everything you said... I've always had a very down to earth way of writing...some might say overly simplistic...But I've always thought why do you need to spend 25 words to describe something when you can use 2? But yeah tha might not be great writing though...I know that. Never intended it to be...Same goes whether I write in english or in finnish...

Back in the day I had few stories published but honestly that was more because they needed something to fill up the pages instead of demanding quality which is something I obviously can't produce.

Anyways I might not bother you lot with posting any more, but it was still more than valuable to get some feedback. Also helps me decide if I should rekindle my affair with writing...

[Vyn]

Also helps me decide if I should rekindle my affair with writing...

Much like exercising, the more you do it, the better you get. And if it is something you enjoy, who gives a shit what anybody else thinks? Post your stuff, I know I'll read it!

[Charger]

Also helps me decide if I should rekindle my affair with writing...

Much like exercising, the more you do it, the better you get. And if it is something you enjoy, who gives a shit what anybody else thinks? Post your stuff, I know I'll read it!

Oh yeah I've always been writing for my own pleasure really...I used to do it quite a bit, but then I hit a wall and stopped for years...

Thanks...I might post the other parts to this here...

[Zzzptm]

typo's

It's typos.