The Community
General Category => Just for fun => Topic started by: Zzzptm on September 07, 2018, 04:04:38 PM
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Tourist at a desert oasis... sees a local with a camel and a sign that reads, "Photos of you on camel back... $1.00".
Tourist goes to the local and asks, "Only a dollar? Are you able to make a living from this?"
"Yes sir, I am able to manage. I have a sound business. Would you like a picture of you on the camel back?"
The tourist agrees, pays the man his dollar, and with some effort is able to get on the camel. Pictures taken, the tourist then says, "OK, can you help me get down?"
The local flips over his sign... "Assistance dismounting camels... $50.00".
:haha1:
^ Also, respect to Burt Reynolds in the GIF, who passed away yesterday, age 82.
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^^^^^^
Did you really think it was necessary to identify the guy in the GIF? :doh: We don't have any 10 year olds in the Community as of yet.
R.I.P. Burt.
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^^^^^^
Did you really think it was necessary to identify the guy in the GIF? :doh: We don't have any 10 year olds in the Community as of yet.
R.I.P. Burt.
Some of our Euro-members may not know the man.
Now for the next joke...
A thief is feeling ill, goes to the doctor. Doctor prescribes some medicine and says, "Take a teaspoon, twice a day."
The thief asks, "You sure that will help me?"
Doctor says, "Yes, I am. Why do you think it won't?"
"Well, it's only that I took a whole tray of silver spoons yesterday and look what good it did me!"
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^^^^^^
Did you really think it was necessary to identify the guy in the GIF? :doh: We don't have any 10 year olds in the Community as of yet.
R.I.P. Burt.
Some of our Euro-members may not know the man.
I thought he WAS European..?? ? :o
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^^^^^^
Is this one of the jokes? ???
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Guy gets hit by a car. Thankfully, it looks like he's going to make it. He's loaded on a stretcher and the ambulance medic asks, "Sir, are you comfortable?"
The victim says, "Eh. I make an OK living..."
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When I was in college, we had a running joke in the Mathematics Department that went as follows:
Give a student a math test and have 10 different mathematics professors correct it, and the student will receive 1 grade.
Give a student a social science or humanities test and have 10 different social science or humanities professors correct it, and the student will receive 10 grades. ;D
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Dirty joke time!
A kid is walking down a dirt road after a rainstorm. He trips and falls into a mud puddle.
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Dirty joke time!
A kid is walking down a dirt road after a rainstorm. He trips and falls into a mud puddle.
That one's so old, it's got whiskers.
***
So, why do you hang out with that sadist?
Beats me!
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I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer. Told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely. (It can be very beneficial to understand Mathematics) ;D
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^^^ Oh, please tell me this actually happened and not just a story :wootwoot: ;D
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^^^ Oh, please tell me this actually happened and not just a story :wootwoot: ;D
How about I come and tell you in person? >:D
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^^^ Oh, please tell me this actually happened and not just a story :wootwoot: ;D
How about I come and tell you in person? >:D
Ehhh... :-\ Maybe later... :whistling:
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:rofl:
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:haha3:
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History. What a fucking sexist term. What about her story..?
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(https://i.redd.it/z5qj9n6v60i11.jpg)
:wtf: It ain't easy being red.
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History. What a fucking sexist term. What about her story..?
She's lying. :smug:
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:rofl:
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^^^^^^ :))
I am not familiar with their music, but I take it they sing "yuh muh nuh muh" quite frequently in their songs, Thel?
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^^^^^^ :))
I am not familiar with their music, but I take it they sing "yuh muh nuh muh" quite frequently in their songs, Thel?
They are a pretty decent Nu-Metal band that do sing like that especially on the first album. Their later work is pretty solid meat and potatoes Heavy Metal and the singing is much better on those later albums.
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(https://i.redd.it/z5qj9n6v60i11.jpg)
:wtf: It ain't easy being red.
:kramer:
That just blew my mind.
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:rofl: here is another one that is hilarious.
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^^^^^^ :))
That was great! Pretty much says it all about (c)rap.
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:rofl:
This is the song that unfortunately was the beginnings of Disturbed who would redeem themselves with their later material. But this song is horrible :redcard:
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
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When Janusz Klimazewski from Poland applied for an American driver's license he was asked to read the eye chart. The clerk pointed to the first line with the letters “P O W Z Y N S K E Y.”
“Now sir,” said the clerk. "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replied Janusz, "the man used to be my next-door neighbor!”
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Funny stuff Z, especially the ice cream one, haha 😂
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Funny stuff Z, especially the ice cream one, haha 😂
The "ice cream one" was mine, not Z's. >:(
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Funny stuff Z, especially the ice cream one, haha 😂
The "ice cream one" was mine, not Z's. >:(
Sorry Typhon, that one cracked me up!
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WIFE: My gynecologist says that I cannot have sex for two weeks.
HUSBAND: What did your dentist say?
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Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”
The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”
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I only got my one science joke but I still like it:
Why can't you trust Atoms?
They make up everything.
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^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? ::)
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^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? ::)
Didn't know english quite that well yet...maybe 6th or 7th grade. ;D
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^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? ::)
Didn't know english quite that well yet...maybe 6th or 7th grade. ;D
You still could have known it in Finnish. ;D
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^^^^^^
Did you learn that one in the 3rd grade? ::)
Didn't know english quite that well yet...maybe 6th or 7th grade. ;D
You still could have known it in Finnish. ;D
Yeah but it doesn't really translate that well...
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Love Ricky Gervais, because he tells it like it is and just doesn't give a damn. My kind of guy. :)
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I like Ricky Gervais, and his monologue was pretty funny. Reminds me of Don Rickles.
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I like Gervais as well but he was probably a little more restrained hosting the golden globes this year compared to past years.
Just on the globes, can’t believe Brad Pitt won for best supporting actor. He was good in his role but there was nothing extra ordinary about it or that a lot of other actors couldn’t have nailed with ease. I think people tend to get caught up in the enjoyment of the character rather than the performance. Plus, we all know how these Hollywood awards work.
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The front fell off...
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
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One day this guy finds a penguin aimlessly roaming around his neighborhood but isn’t sure what to do with it. So he asks a local cop for help. The cop says, “Oh just take him to the zoo.” The next day the cop sees the guy and the penguin strolling through the neighborhood hand in flipper. The guy’s got sunscreen on and a bunch of swim noodles under his arm and the penguin’s wearing floaties and a little pair of googles on his head. The cop stops the guy and says, “Hey I thought you were taking him to the zoo?” The man replies with, “Yeah! And we had so much fun that today we’re going to the waterpark!”
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Hey, the new Democratic ticket bumper sticker is out. :)
(https://i.postimg.cc/nhZv5kPg/J-and-the-H.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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Was trying to find one I saw yesterday, but can't seem to make it happen. It says Biden with the stylized "E" and under it is Harris with a stylized "A" that is two legs spread out wearing heels and some panties halfway down to resemble an A.
Well crap, still can't find it. But in the interest of equal joke time:
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/_UpssYv6pmHZY4ecWQGoe_LKkYx982GZIcNSe6ErQAdEEMPJTHATMLzstXMGu4dh6l8kdSVIAGKSaBV9SnAsw6DnCimLalKTGQ9EoAvhT11OBrNfsAnQHym3sCy4XzZCJNhpRhx1wW7NVOj9YGO7)
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Hey, the new Democratic ticket bumper sticker is out. :)
(https://i.postimg.cc/nhZv5kPg/J-and-the-H.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Wow it rhymes. Hilarious! Just as good “Dump Trump“
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^^^^^^
More than rhymes, is also true. :banana:
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^^^Don’t really know her but does she like to sleep around does she? Screwed her way to the top?
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^^^Don’t really know her but does she like to sleep around does she? Screwed her way to the top?
That seems to be the consensus indeed...
Also it is worth mentioning that when the sexual misconduct accusations towards Joe Biden came about she believed them and condemned Biden's behavious...which further proves that she is willing to do what ever it takes to further her career....
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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^^^Don’t really know her but does she like to sleep around does she? Screwed her way to the top?
In the 1990's, she had a year long affair with the married San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown. He is 31 years older than her. The Mayor wound up giving Harris 2 political appointments, which helped to boost her career (no pun intended). :whistling:
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Vyn's joke made me laugh. +1 for that.
And do you *really* want to go down a path that examines a candidate's sexual past if you're a Trump supporter? REALLY???
We can talk about getting a stripper to spank you with a rolled-up Forbes with your photo on it all day long, if you want to. And that cover also has two of your own kids on it, to boot. :smug:
As for rape allegations, you need to borrow someone else's fingers and toes to count Trump's. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump_sexual_misconduct_allegations It's not even funny... not even the ones that start with "Donald Trump walks into a dressing room at a pageant, where all these teens are in various states of undress..." :naughty:
But I could work on a joke about that, if you like. I'd pattern it off of USSR-era Russian humor, which would go with how Trump likes to pattern himself after Comrade Putin, amirite or amirite?
Here we go...
Donald Trump goes in to Michael Cohen's office and says, "Ah, Mikey, I screwed up bigly."
"What is it *this* time, Donny?"
"I screwed a big porn star and now I'm worried she'll tell all."
"You worried about the damage to your family?"
"No! I'm worried about the damage to my rep! I'm a kinky so-and-so, I can't have people snickering about that when I'm in meetings! I need it quashed!"
"OK" says Mikey Cohen, "I'll see what I can do."
The lawyer comes back and says, "OK, Donny, she'll keep quiet if you pay her off."
Donny Trump whips out his checkbook and writes one out for 300 grand, hands it to his lawyer. Mikey Cohen shreds it up and says, "You idiot! You dumbass! You shit-for-brains! Don't you know nothing about keeping things on the down-low? Hand her a personal check and EVERYBODY's gonna know you were involved! You gotta make the payment through a shell company, that way nobody knows."
"Ohhhhhh" says Donny Trump. "A shell company."
"Right" says Mikey Cohen. "A shell company. Preferably one owned by another shell company that itself is owned by still another shell company. Total shell game, nobody follows up on it."
"Ohhhhh" says Donny Trump. "Nobody can possibly trace it back to me, that way."
"Exactly" says Mikey Cohen. "No way that anyone can possibly trace it back to you. Now, give me a minute, here..." and Mikey Cohen pulls out a ledger from a shell company owned by a shell company owned by another shell company and makes out the check. "Perfect, we're good to go. Just need one thing."
"What's that?" asks Donny Trump.
So Mikey Cohen says, he says "Checks' no good without your signature. Sign here."
Donny Trump nods and signs it. "Totally untraceable!"
Mikey Cohen says, "Yeah, totally untraceable! Like I told you!"
Donny asks, "This isn't gonna wind up in front of a Congressional committee or anything, is it?"
Mikey Cohen says, he says, "Of course not! What am I, an idiot like you?"
Donny says, "No, I guess not. I only hire the best of the best when it comes to lawyers."
"Exactly. Nothing to worry about. Let's go get some lunch, right after I stop the recording of this meeting."
:excited:
Or, we could keep the politics out of this thread, too... any way you want to do it.
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Why did Trump get banned from the dog shows?
Because he screws every bitch he sees!
Why did Trump get banned from the cat shows?
Because he grabbed every pussy there!
Why is Trump still allowed to attend turtle shows?
Mitch McConnell vouched for him!
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But come on...why is it worse for Trump than it is for Biden?
Both have done the deed there is no question...but only one gets crucified and the other one gets a brush off...double standard...as always.
But lets try to keep this about jokes...
Here's a good one:
(https://s3media.247sports.com/Uploads/Assets/820/872/9872820.jpeg)
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It's worse for Trump because he's done more of it! And with teenagers, too! ZING!
But seriously, folks...
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First person to name the musical artist wins a point!
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There's no math thread, so I'll put this here.
a = allegation, p = proof
a - p = a a + p = p
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First person to name the musical artist wins a point!
It sounds like some kind of cumbia dance... Selena?
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+1 Z!
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+1 Z!
As Julius Caesar once said, "Bidi bidi bom bom." :smug:
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14 mins, but it's hilarious the more Mtn Dew he dranks.
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A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."
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:wub:
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A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."
:rofl: +1 Vyn!
My family will groan as I tell them all this joke, one by one... :smug:
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Meanwhile in Australia:
(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/50615098691_49f932edcf_z.jpg)
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:haha3:
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:banana:
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If not a joke, at least cute and funny. :D
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I don't know if you can get away with this gag these days. :))
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(https://i.postimg.cc/pX0LJBCM/returns.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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"I'm sorry to inform you that we have a no returns policy on old senile dummies"...
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Biden doesn't make sense?!! After the nonsense Trump has come up with over the last few years that seems a little rich! ;)
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Biden doesn't make sense?!! After the nonsense Trump has come up with over the last few years that seems a little rich! ;)
Touche. But Trumps nonsense is just the way he speaks. Biden's nonsense is because he's got dementia...there's a difference.
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Biden has dementia: that's the joke. Man's old, but still hale.
So here's the sickest joke of all: Donald Fucking Trump. That rat bastard has lied constantly for four years and gotten otherwise sensible people to swallow whole his insane and racist view of the world, leaving behind an entire half of the nation incapable of discerning between truth and lies anymore. Joke is on you if you follow after Donald Fucking Trump. He's led you over a cliff and you pretend like you're flying first class.
Want another joke? Trump's reaction to how Russian hackers penetrated multiple US government departments. That sheepfucker's idiot response: blame China for what was clearly and decidedly a Russian effort. His response and the people supporting it are something hot and steamy that a bull leaves in the meadow, and it's not a sexually satisfied heifer, I can tell you that.
I'm listening to punk rock as I edit a book on the way neoliberal Democrats and Republicans ran the Texas school system into the ground over the last 50 years, so I really don't give a flying fuck about some dingus' cartoon about how he's all butthurt that Biden is elected president. My giveashitter is broken down and the hardware store is all out of replacement parts.
And fuck Republicans for saying that everything they don't like is Socialism. Fuck 'em good and hard. Want equal rights? That's goddam Socialism, we're having none of that here in the USA! Want policing without racial biases? Goddammit, that's more Socialism! Move it out of here! Health care reform? College reform? Fucking Communism! Grab your guns before they force you to have an abortion with an illegal alien in a gay marriage! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
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Oh yeah, and a great Donald Fucking Trump quote if you were offended: "I was only joking."
Sean Dumbass Hannity and Carlson Dickless Tucker will rush to my defense in 3... 2... 1...
If you don't like politically incorrect shock humor that tells it like it is, saying exactly what I think, then you're a Socialist namby-pamby pinko baby with a wet diaper, that's the rules we're playing with to-day.
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^^^^^^
^^^^^^
:naughty: Of course if I was to speak like this toilet-mouth, then I'd get warning violations.
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Okay ZZZ...you went bit off the deep end there again...time to dial it down a bit. ;)
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Okay ZZZ...you went bit off the deep end there again...time to dial it down a bit. ;)
Message received. I'd be happy to spend a day in jail for that rant. :)
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That was a +1 rant. In a joke thread!
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I also do weddings, bar mitzvahs, and funerals. Be sure to tip your bartender, he's a great guy, trying to put 2 kids through college and 3 ex-wives through new boyfriends, be generous.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the great Buddy Hackett!
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(https://i.postimg.cc/MpmcLZN2/Electoral.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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(https://media.caposts.com/images/640/2020/11/66KDSBL46ZCJRMEGL3IIGAOWAA.jpg)
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^^^
She should also do the hand gesture...would make it funnier! :D
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^^^
She should also do the hand gesture...would make it funnier! :D
Couldn't find one like that exactly, but I found this one:
(https://www.theperrychief.com/storyimage/IA/20190722/OPINION/190729911/AR/0/AR-190729911.jpg?MaxW=600)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/NfkJLHmF/EyeCheck.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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(https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/58i_U63Rb24dBvIHU_Q-jVGs6sw=/0x0:1200x950/920x613/filters:focal(504x379:696x571):format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/64593850/700488105.0.jpg)
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20 TOP ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience .... And most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Guy walks into the lottery office to claim a prize. He just won the jackpot, millions this guy's won.
Lottery official says, "Well, congratulations! You won the big jackpot! Do you want a lump sum or payout over time?"
"Which gets the money to me the fastest?"
"Neither, the check for either method would go out in 90 days from now. We have to do processing and-"
"I'm not interested in all that. I need the money now! Why can't I get the money NOW?"
"Well, sorry, sir, it's policy and-"
"Hey, I won it! It's MY money! I want to have it now!"
"Well, that's just not possible."
"But you don't understand! I got bills to pay! I got debts to clear! What am I supposed to do without that lottery money?"
"What are you supposed to do? Let me ask, did you have a plan on how to deal with those things in case you didn't win the lottery?"
"Yeah."
"Well, go with *that* plan!"
:D
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good one !
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... and I cant' resist , my favourite again !
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Lol, those were two hilarious ads, thanks!
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
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(https://i.postimg.cc/mDS3WrLr/Pox.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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Only joke with the booster shots was me expecting them to have a harder impact than they actually did. :)
Late at night in the city, a guy is on his hands and knees under a street light, looking for something in the gutter.
Fellow walks up and asks, "Anything the matter?"
Guy says, "Yeah, I lost my keys, can you help?"
Fellow obliges and helps to search for the keys. After a few minutes, the fellow says, "I don't see any sign of them, are you sure you dropped them here?"
Guy says, "Oh, no, I dropped them over there."
"Well why aren't we looking over there?"
"Because the light is better here!"
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Only joke with the booster shots was me expecting them to have a harder impact than they actually did. :)
Well I am glad that my considerable pain from the vaccinations offered you a laugh. It is well known I am a joke to people.
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Only joke with the booster shots was me expecting them to have a harder impact than they actually did. :)
Well I am glad that my considerable pain from the vaccinations offered you a laugh. It is well known I am a joke to people.
No, I don't laugh at the pain of others, except in Three Stooges reels or cartoons. I expected my booster to give me more pain and fatigue than it actually did, so the joke was on me. :)
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I love this one:
Finnish weather explained
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
Finns are out getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The Portuguese shiver violently.
Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Water freezes.
The water in Vantaa River in Helsinki gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
Californians prepare for the Apocalypse.
Finns have a final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
Scots turn on their heating (one-bar).
Finns think about using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
Aussies lose the power of speech.
Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
Greeks die.
Finns start drying laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris is cracking apart.
Finns eat ice creams in the line at hamburger kiosks.
-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears evacuate the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones winter survival training awaiting 'real' winter weather.
-60°C / -76°F
Russian hitchhikers use pictures of thumbs instead of thumbs.
The Finnish army begins winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes die.
Finnish cows make ice cream, and complain the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
All other atomic motion stops.
Finns say "Perkele, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over; Satan skates to work.
Finland announces a tax cut.
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Hahah! That is quite accurate indeed!
Some normal Finnish summer activities:
(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aerZbqO_700bwp.webp)
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^ :rofl: I love that!
More Finnish humor, this one is cute:
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Great Kamala Harris impression. :))
https://twitter.com/i/status/1503210559898066954
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Great Kamala Harris impression. :))
https://twitter.com/i/status/1503210559898066954
:rofl:
That was rather hilarious indeed.
What has Harris actually done by the way? I mean past Veeps have been quite visible...even to foreign media but I have not heard or seen Harris anywhere... I think there was one photo op where Harris was standing behind Biden looking bored as fuck and that's pretty much it.
But I guess with her qualifications that's about all you can do really...
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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
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In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".
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Two guys who haven't seen each other in years run in to each other on the street.
First guy: How you doin?
Second guy: Things are great. Just bought a new house out in Connecticut, got a townhouse in Brooklyn, and we got a beach house in Destin. And you?
First guy: Ahhh, my parents are still alive!
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(https://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/NzFfVqVw-MiLRqPjlJOaRv5xM4OXFfjbZPNeYUEXweG09XoUYeRiofjW9eQQfjV8XYBl88KV2A_eX2-5KkMHRcOq7ryfLpdWCkMsuX8cpVT3fmWSLQ0MdetpyOLIjRHLz3OfLPK3_5BvQLm-I3ewO89jANvqMvt67psCvA=s0-d-e1-ft#http://i2.cmail19.com/ei/i/DC/F99/20F/061439/csfinal/ScreenShot2022-04-03at9.24.53PM-9906db079e03cf3c.png)
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Either she's the cleverest troll on the Internet... or the worst cook of 'em all!
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(https://i.postimg.cc/rFVSP4MY/Ozzy.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/rFVSP4MY/Ozzy.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
L O L
:rofl:
Made my day after some rough calls at work. Thanks!
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(https://www.1911addicts.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.1911addicts.com/attachments/screenshot_20220803-134333_opera-jpg.1052436/)
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Hahaha, another winner! :)
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(https://i.postimg.cc/7LYpqkD0/Liberal.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
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Well, nobody said the jokes had to be *funny*. Or based on accurate observations...
Whenever you're ready to post a real joke, I'll be ready to laugh. :)
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A copy of the FBI search warrant for Trump's house has leaked:
(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/52331161011_2477d768ee_z.jpg)
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(https://www.syracuse.com/resizer/ucKf3M755N32_uD1bWw2PGDhr3I=/arc-anglerfish-arc2-prod-advancelocal/public/M7JTQT3VY5F3PPXIVXZTV6GXYE.jpg)
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E0FIVEGVUAE_yXW.png)
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(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/d0/b8/94/d0b894cf5c6141071095541e08c60c67--far-side-cartoons-funny-cartoons.jpg)
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The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man, sporting a beard, says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and says, "Secret Service."
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A copy of the FBI search warrant for Trump's house has leaked:
(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/52331161011_2477d768ee_z.jpg)
:rofl:
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Hear the one about the cricketer who had too much hot curry?
He was clean boweled!
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The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic
tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of
his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch
you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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:rofl:
My boss said, "I'd like a word with you!"
I said, "How about unicorn?"
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(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-41c90023f65f70ae053eb59aeebcb9d3-lq)
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Does this mean the music of AC/DC is timeless because they sang "Whole Lotta Rosie" back in the day? :D
To be sure, Ms. Minaj's lyrics are reminiscent of the poetry from Queen's masterpiece, "Fat Bottomed Girls". :D
Then there's Big Joe Turner's composition, "Big Legged Woman" that I do NOT play on the radio, ever. Too racy for a Saturday morning show. :D
In all honesty, I think I can appreciate Ms. Minaj's lyrical directness over the noodling in the Page-Plant composition. I know where I stand with a transparent statement such as hers. Then again, one wishes she'd take a more positive and inclusive tone in her wording, I'd hate for the word "assist" to mean something other than to help another person.
ASSIST (uh-SIST) verb - to help another person "Will you assist me with my packages?"
ASSIST (ASS-ist) noun - someone who bears an irrational prejudice towards persons of demonstrably different proportions in their posterior regions. "What did you say to all the people with small butts? What are you, some kind of assist?"
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A guy gets out of the army, and tired of living around so many people, decides to buy himself a nice little house in the sticks.
For the first couple of weeks, he loves it. Peace and quiet.
Then after a month, he’s getting a little stir crazy.
After two months, he’s climbing the walls.
Then, a knock on the door. He rushes over and pulls it open. A man, apparently a local, introduces himself. “Hey, there. I thought somebody moved in but I haven’t seen anyone,” he says.
“Well, I just don’t know anyone, and it’s hard to meet people.”
“You’re in luck, son. It just so happens that I’m having a party tonight. Care to come?”
“Oh, you bet I would!”
The local says, “Now, we don’t party out here like you might be used to, so, do you like to drink?”
“Love to drink!”
“And can you dance?”
“I’m pretty light on my feet.”
“Things might get a little rough. Can you handle your fists?”
“I can hold my own.”
“There’s certainly gonna be sex at the party. I’m assuming you enjoy sex?”
“I’m virile as they come.”
“Okay, okay… Sometimes emotions get high, and there’s likely to be tears and screaming. Can you handle that?”
“I’m pretty level-headed. I can handle it.”
“Okay, great! My place is just down the road on the left. Eight o’clock.”
The local starts to leave when our guy calls after him, “Wait! What should I wear?”
“Oh, I don’t care. It’s just gonna be you and me…”
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OH! ZING!
:D
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Humorous, using a very narrow definition of humor...
(link to the actual site hosting it: https://abstrusegoose.com/511 (https://abstrusegoose.com/511))
(http://abstrusegoose.com/strips/quantum_physics_is_a_lie.png)
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Lol smart aleck had it coming. :smug:
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Heard a Redd Foxx joke from 1956...
"I knew a guy who cooked beans backwards... gave everyone the hiccups!" :D
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A man is going through customs entering Australia.
The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?" The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"
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"Do you have a criminal record?"
"Yes, AC/DC's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap."
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How do you stop a dog from barking in July?
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%2Fid%2FOIP.NtbdlDDvobJaY2qe0U10mgHaLW%3Fpid%3DApi&f=1&ipt=4fbefb4bffd3e6ac4f1ae4afac9393e006b91470d7c88dd416820add00f128df&ipo=images)
Shoot him in June.
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%2Fid%2FOIP.JOj7-46GSA5mBrfzUxC_wQHaFj%3Fpid%3DApi&f=1&ipt=3795ee060a708ba26d0ea93097c2a8cdf59460a0703c6eb0679bd7df6b14caa5&ipo=images)
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Joke
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groooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
:D
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Two snakes were sunning themselves on a rock.
One snake asked the other, "are we poisonous snakes?"
"Why?" asked the other snake.
"Because I just bit my damned tongue!"
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Zing! :D